Pirates v. Robots v. Ninjas

By Ben Moffat
Main Entry: Ro-bot

1 a: a machine that looks like a human being and performs various complex acts (such as walking or talking) of a human being; also: a similar but fictional machine whose lack of capacity for human emotions is often emphasized.



Main Entry: ninája

1 a: a person trained in ancient Japanese martial arts and employed especially for espionage and assassinations.



Main Entry: piárate

1 a: one who commits or practices piracy



Keep these definitions in mind because they're going to be of some use to you in the future. And while you're at it remembering these definitions, let's take your mind outside of our normal lives; take everything you might think you know about everything you thought you knew and forget it. Start letting this idea sink in: while you and me and everybody you've ever met or going to meet are living ordinary lives we are witness to one of the greatest conflicts the world has ever known; you and I are pawns in their game.

It's a conflict between tradition and technology, a conflict between man and machine, monetary gain versus spiritual growth, a struggle for power and control of the human race. It's a very subtle, yet violent, conflict we're part of but every time you use your cell phone, one side chalks up a point, every time you turn your TV off and read, another side smiles and sharpens their swords.



But who or what is going on?



Well, let's just say that all your life Ninjas, Pirates and Robots have been fighting for dominance of the spiritual and secular world. And Reader you might be saying to yourself now, "that's just impossible and plain stupid. This is just some kind of pseudo-intellectual adolescent fantasy idea."



Oh yeah? Well, Wrong-o Bro!



Since the beginning of time, there have been definite winners and losers from each group. Remember a guy named Jesus Christ? You think he ascended heaven after being dead? You remember how two broads went looking for him and didn't see his body. Ninja's stole it! Jesus was a direct threat to their dominance of the world. They were in fat city, pillaging the commoners for green and with a silent hand directing empires. They couldn't have this upstart screwing with their deal. Ninja's had it made in the shade but they didn't consider basic human nature. They underestimated certain people's ability to screw people over at little cost to themselves, pirates, or early settlers of the good ol' US of A, capitalists. Now, Robots didn't come on the scene until late so, they had a lot of time to make up but their progress on capturing the hearts and minds of the human race has been swift. Ever hear of a little device called the personal computer? Well that was the robots, they passed some plans to Bill Gates, accidentally, and now look at us, we're all a slave to the computer, we're all just part of a nine step program to get a computer in our brains. Remember a thing called the i-Pod? Yeah, they won you over with that too, all to keep us occupied from what is really happening: the battle royale of the century: Ninjas vs. Pirates vs. Robots.

If history repeats itself, which it does the battle will go down as follows, if hasn't already started: The ninjas will be passive aggressive about the whole thing, unplugging your computer when you have your back turned, or their famous 'unplug the fan in your computer making your hard drive melt" trick. The robots will set lose their robot ninjas and while this will be successful in stopping the ninjas at some of their tricks, lets just say the robots can't keep up production to defeat millions of ninjas (ninjas have been around since the Tang dynasty). Both sides will be a stalemate, each trying to get the support of President Bush, but since he's been bought and paid by both sides he just tells them the CIA and FBI are making headway. The Ninja's say, "hey didn't we help you with that Saddam situation?" The robots say "hey didn't we help you with that whole election thing? Voting machines don't explode by themselves you know!" This is when the pirates come to the scene. Since they really have no alliance to either side other than making as much profit as possible, they really don't care who wins. The Pirates are consulted by both sides, the Ninja's promising them direct control of the stock market and the Atlantic and Pacific ports of the USA; The Robots simply promising them protection from the Ninjas who were always poking holes in their ships, loading viruses into their bootleg movies, and constantly making jokes about their accents. So, just like the old Pittsburgh Pirates, the regular Pirates are out of the contest, all they care about is money and that makes them particularly un-bad ass.

So it's the battle royale everyone expected, finally, everyone knows who's really calling the shots in the world. It's not the U.N or even Exxon Mobile, it's the Ninja/Pirate/Robot Oligarch. The Ninjas aren't able to keep most of their operations covert, now directly attacking robots, putting extra zeros in their binary, causing the stock market to tumble (sound familiar?) Throwing smoke bombs in their factories, slicing and dicing hard drives and motherboards, robots are crying robot tears. But the Robots come back with all they have, simply by being badass, programming their laser eyes from stun to kill, they wipe out almost all the Ninjas who aren't able to kill them first, because little known fact laser eyes aren't good at seeing contrasting colors, the Ninjas change their clothes from the traditional black to red.

One Ninja is rumored to have said, 'another victory like this and we're done for"

A truce is called. Ninjas have a secret plot to get rid of the robot but robots got them beat because they have technology on their side. They send replica robots armed with explosives and kill off the rest of the Ninjas.

So robots win, they were bound to anyway considering they own technology pretty much since they aren't human they keep to their objectives. There's not a whole lot of moral questioning going on in the robot mind, just kill snd control; you say Terminator, you know how it goes! I mean come on! Ninjas? They're so old school they don't even count, and Pirates, well let's just say they'll always be around making your life miserable enough to not care about them. Ninjas! Ha! I mean come on! Get your head out of your ass.